If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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