Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
