I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
