she takes plan B like it's going out of style
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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