Swine flu. Run for my life!
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Someone came in the potted fern
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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