dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
