Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
