i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
