Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
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i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
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It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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