Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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