Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
