I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
