Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
