I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
of course. lets lasso hookers.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
