I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Operation Purity has been aborted
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
