is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize
