i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
