When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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