You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
