I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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