I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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