How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
