Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Randomize
