you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
