Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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