defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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