I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
