I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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