Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
