I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
