A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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