i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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