Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
