I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
