I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
