Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
