Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
