I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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