I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
