So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
