paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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