I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
