I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
