He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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