i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
