I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
