it was like his penis was on wheels.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
