Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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