he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
