Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
