I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
