I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
