I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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