nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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