I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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