i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Randomize
