remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
